Diary Without Pages

Trivia I find Ignored


Honest Choices

For the last six-ish months, I’ve been learning Arabic. It’s not one of those side projects, or extra credit kind of deal, we’re talking full time, 5 hours a day, 6 days a week. It’s gotten to the point where I’ve even started thinking in Arabic, however clumsily. My professors tell me that’s a milestone. I don’t know, still feels like a shitload I don’t have a clue about.

Since the first time I walked into a school, to the day of graduation, what I studied, what I learned, what I memorized has been predetermined. Anything and everything that I have associated with the word ‘study’ was what I was supposed to study. I learned what was laid out for me. From a syllabus I had no say over. I didn’t hate it, per se, I was good at it. Didn’t really have to struggle much, took it all in stride. Eventually, it did get kind of old. Don’t get me wrong though, I absolutely loved school. And college. But it didn’t even occur to me, until after graduation, that now I had a choice. An actual choice.

I could become an architect, an aeronautical engineer (I became one in a dream I had long time ago, so it sort of stuck in my mind), a doctor (well, not really, I didn’t go to pre-med) or anything in between. So when I did chose, learning a language, I mean, it was my choice, mine. And that more than anything else, made me want to learn, want to speak it more and more fluently, made me want to be so good at it, that I could be happy with myself.

Usually, I don’t really like to talk about myself, I’m more of a people pleaser, so I try to be funny, end up being sarcastic, because I don’t really know how to be funny. But this is an honest-to-goodness diary entry, that I had to write somewhere down, and since I didn’t really want to get a diary just for this, so there.

To all my old, old friends on wordpress, I hate apologizing over and over and over, but every time I write a post, it’s usually been such a long time since the last one that I feel like I have to, like I owe you guys. Even though you probably have forgotten my name by now, I haven’t.



The Happy and The Stupid

The storm subsided. The tornado moved on. Like all things in this world, it has come to an end. Life is beautiful once more …

Now, that the accursed annuals are behind me, the grass is greener, the air sweeter and when I’m not sweating like a pig, the sun almost symbolizes hope. Freedom, sudden and absolute. Its a divine feeling. One you can’t compare.

But …

I’m cheery. I am cheery. No, you do not understand. I am cheery.

All. The. Time. Which is not like me. Oh no, not like me at all. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Because “me” isn’t all that high a standard to begin with.

Although thinking long term, maybe the not-like-me thing I’ve got going right now isn’t all that perfect. I’ll have to stop before I say something so stupid, something so incredibly cheesy, so nauseatingly corny that whole new levels of cheesiness would have to be defined – because that’s the feeling I have.

There. Now wasn’t that like me?


Not Worried

I have a habit of not worrying when I should be worrying. I worry about that sometimes. Change my worrisome ways – that doesn’t make sense, does it?

Anyway, my exams are coming up, and all I am doing is reading fiction. Watching TV series. And devouring through sandwiches all day long – a surprising habit I’ve grown into.

I watched four seasons of House in the last 20 days. Along with about 10 other movies. This, I gather is not the way to be preparing for exams. So, I’m worried, that I’m not worried about anything anymore.

In the last month, I have promised myself, at least three times; that from tomorrow (Its always tomorrow, never today), I will study if its the last thing I do.

The next day, I would read a chapter halfheartedly, flipping through pages …

This is fifth grade stuff … Easy … Easy … Why am I here? ….

Where did I put Hunger Games again? …

Maybe I’ll arrive at the examination hall, book in hand.

Wait up, just one more page left. I promise I’ll get in in a minute … Just, just shh!!

Then there’s the more probable outcome. I’ll just take my time to sleep off the lost hours. I do that … a lot.

… I feel like drifting off right now.

– alright, that made me yawn.

… I’m sleepy …


Study Times

Its exam time! and as always, its not pretty. I hear the moans and the groans that have one thing or another to do with exams as I pass the hallways, everyday. Its grown monotonous really. Faces flushed with triumph over studying 8 hours straight seem feverish. And faces so clearly dreading the end of time seem pitiful. The guy in the bathroom throwing up since sunrise? That’s just sad.

Teachers are everywhere. They were there before, of course, but their presence was not so strongly felt. They truly are enjoying all the attention, the suddenly heightened cockiness level is evidence of that.

Me? I’m the same not-a-worry-in-the-world guy sleeping in class. But even I have to study sometimes. I’ll be gone for ten days or so. Don’t miss me (Though, I wish someone would). And pray for me Y’all, God knows, I need it.